fledgling

It's been a while, huh?

It's been so long since I last wrote, longer since B. cheated on me. I wish I could tell you I'm doing great, that we got over it, we're wonderful now, but to be truthful, we're not. I'm still not.

We haven't discussed Pam for a while, but we didn't really in the past without fighting. Maybe not talking about it was a mistake, maybe it wasn't a mistake and it was just something that couldn't be helped. It's hard to decide what the lesser of two evils is. Not talking about it, or talking about it but fighting (and possibly ultimately having everything blow up). Maybe the latter was best. If we couldn't talk about it without trying to kill each other and destroying our whole relationship, then I guess that would have just meant that we couldn't work it out.

We broke up again since I last wrote. In my first semester of college, I went crazy with freedom. I hung out way more than I used to. I stopped calling B. as much, I stopped picking up his calls as much, I stopped having actual conversations with him, I didn't come back home some weekends, when I did see him, often my mind would be elsewhere. He left me. I don't blame him, I was being really horrible. I've learned that just because I give him leeway, and I stayed when he cheated doesn't mean that he will stay if I fuck up.

What happened during this break up was that B. met this girl Ricky who works at this bar he went to with some of his coworkers. One of his coworkers gave her his number, and they started to hang out or talk or something. At one point, I had some kind of mental break down and couldn't reach him. I was really hurt because I felt like he had found somebody else. During my mental breakdown, I must have called him about 100 times that day or more. When I finally reached him, he was at Ricky's apartment, just talking. He said he didn't do anything with her (even though she wanted to), and I believe him. I have no choice but to believe him at this point. I don't really know how to describe it. I believe it because I want to, because if the truth is he did sleep with her, I don't know what to do with it. My only defense is to mentally deny everything. Anyway, I had this mental breakdown, I was just lying in my room with all the lights off. I felt like I was disappearing. I don't know how else to describe it. I felt like I would cease to exist if I closed my eyes and went to sleep. That nobody would know who I was anymore. I started reciting the names of my family members over and over again. When B. finally called me, I was hysterical. I asked him to tell me what my name was, who I was, my age, just things to confirm that I did indeed still exist.

He came over late that night, after he finished talking to Ricky. I was drunk off a bottle of wine, just really... in a bad place. I had cut my wrists. Not badly, but bad enough to bleed a bit and leave marks for a while. I was never a cutter before, and I'm not a cutter anymore, although I have to admit it takes quite a bit of will. B. made me promise never to cut myself again, and I promised, so I didn't.

B. has been driven to suicide many times by me. He wants to shoot himself, but has never pulled the trigger. I don't know. He saw a therapist and the therapist said this a perfectly sane action. B. is so rational, when he comes into confrontation with a person as irrational as me that's just what happens. The most rational thing B. can do is kill himself, because he wants this pain to end, he cannot remove me from him because I keep clinging to him, so all he can do is remove himself.

I've tried to be better, to be more rational. I don't know, I feel like I did years ago, when he was really short on me all the time. I tried my best not to make a mistake, but all he did was bark at me all the time. I don't want him to kill himself, but I'm selfish so I don't want to leave. He said he wants to work it out, but I just feel like he wants me around, but it's not his place to do anything, I have to learn to be more rational, more adult.

Yesterday he woke up late for work. He woke up 2 hours late. I was asleep too, and I heard the alarm when it rang, and he shut it off. I didn't know he shut it off though, I thought he put it on Snooze. I fell back asleep immediately, and when I woke up his cat was licking my toes. I realized that quite some time had passed, and he woke up late. He was in a rush, and while he showered I tried to help. I packed all my own things, dressed and got ready to leave. I checked the weather forecast, I put out socks for him, two possible undershirts for him to wear. When he came back from the shower I was sitting there, watching him get ready. I didn't know what to do. He was upset and he said kind of in this snide voice, "what are you gonna do? Just sit there?" I said, "no, what do you want me to do?" He was exasperated. "I don't know, get yourself ready and stuff." I was kind of proud of myself when he said this, because I did get myself ready. I guess I'm really childish in this sense. Proud of myself for getting ready, I sound like I' m fucking 4. I said that I was all ready, I'm dressed and packed and everything. He was still exasperated, "why don't you clean up then!? Clean up the mess and stuff." I started to clean, but I felt both angry, upset. I don't know. I felt really stupid too, for forgetting to clean, but also really mad because I didn't know I was supposed to and kind of incredulous. I just felt so bad. This is an example of one of the things I'm having trouble dealing with. I always feel that no matter what I do, how hard I try, B. will never be happy with it. I know he feels the same way.

Sometimes, when B. is in a good mood, I can let loose a little, but when he's in a rush or stressed out, I better be on my toes. I don't know how to deal with this. Right now it's easier because I don't have a lot of stress, I'm not working right now, just kind of being a bum. I don't know what I'll do later when I start working or even when I go to graduate school. He's supportive too. It's a habit I've picked up that's hard for me to drop. I worry about him, I'm always kind of on edge. He talks about being on edge at work, having to always be ready for something. I think I understand what he feels like, I'm like that with him. I'm on edge.

I've worked myself into a weird position. Half the time I don't know why I even try to be better for B. He never notices anyway, and when I do something better, there's no time to give myself a pat on the back because it's already time to work on something else.

I feel like I have everything. My boyfriend loves me, my grades aren't great, but I passed and can do better next semester. I don't have any friends right now, but at least I've got my brothers and cousins. So I have love, I have education, and I have family and friends. Why am I so sad?

I just don't know what it is. I just cried yesterday in the shower, I cried the day before in bed. I think B. thought it was about him. At first I might have been. We were talking about "what if". What if I had never met him, if we had never gotten together, where I would be and all that stuff. He thinks I have doubts. I cried more, but it wasn't about B. It was about my family. About my mom and dad. About how they don't work here, so I don't live with them, and they might put a wrench in my side when they are home, but deep inside I'm actually really glad they're home. We can be like a normal family again, and that makes me really happy.

I was just crying, because I realized.

I'm so lonely.